More On Marriage

Four Years. Three Months. 17 Days. Married. And still going strong.

Let me preface the following story by saying this. I almost didn't write this post. What I'm going to share is, in many ways a small, petty thing. There are couples all over this world facing real issues of distrust and betrayal, illnesses, poverty, and a host of other tragic circumstances. I know we are fortunate to have the relationship and life that we have. I know we are blessed beyond measure and always taken care of by the hands of God. I want to share this because I want other young, happy in love couples who sometimes struggle with relationship issues to know they aren't alone. Even in a healthy marriage, it's not all peaches and cream. There will be conflict and how you deal with the conflict will ultimately determine if you come out of it for better or worse.

Some would probably contend that it isn't really appropriate to share about marital struggles on the Internet for the whole world to read. I, however, believe if you can't be real to the whole world about where you're at, then what's the point in sharing anything? Casey and I rarely fight. Our entire dating/engaged time of two years there was not a single fight. Heck, there was hardly even an argument. In each other's eyes, we could do no wrong. We were drunk on love. After we were wed, there was a whole lotta love, but there were also the typical squabbles over money, dirty laundry on the living room floor, hair in the sink, and a host of other petty things. Any "frustration" as we liked to politely label each argument lasted less than a matter of a couple of hours. This gives you a pretty good idea of the frequency and severity of which we argue. Now, on to the story.

Of all the weeks in our married life, I believe this last week may have been the toughest. Three nights in a row we battled one another silently. Three nights in a row of being at odds with one another, has never, ever happened before in our relationship. Casey would work all day and then come home, have dinner, and get straight to his school work until bedtime. This past week, I had all day teacher training and would come home, have dinner, take care of Gabe, get him to bed, and then wait. I would wait for Casey to finish his school work, or take a break from his school work for time with me. As ten o'clock would roll around each night and Casey was still working I would just get frustrated and go to bed.

The first night, I just let it go. Told him it was nothing. I knew he was just being diligent with his school work and I wanted him to be, but I also wanted a little me and him time. By the second night, I was hoping he would be able to finish his schoolwork early and we could have a couple of hours together to enjoy before bedtime. It didn't happen. So, I went to bed too angry to really tell him why I was angry. By the next morning, I was able to tell him why I was upset and that all I really wanted was some quality time with him. He said, great. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm all yours tonight.

Well, I didn't get any time then either. We already had plans to have dinner with family. By the time we got home it was time to get Gabe in bed and Casey still had more school work to do. So, the third night I went to bed angry again. I was really stuck because while my emotional needs certainly weren't being met, it wasn't because of anything Casey was intentionally doing to ignore me. He was earning money for us to live on and working towards an education to provide a better, brighter future for his family. How could any wife complain about that? So, I didn't complain....I gave an unintentional silent treatment instead. The unfortunate result of my choosing not to discuss why I was feeling the way I was left Casey wondering what in the world he had done wrong and making the situation worse.

On Friday night, we were finally able to spend some time together, after Gabe went to bed, just chatting and enjoying each other's company. I explained to Casey I really didn't want to complain about the lack of quality time because I knew how hard he had been working all week. But, I'm still a girl (an ordinarily low maintenance girl I like to think...) and, girls gotta have time with their husbands to chill and chat and dream and make plans. Casey enjoys the time we take to do those kinds of things he just doesn't strive and thrive for those moments like I do.

We were able to talk things through about setting priorities and making time for one another even in the midst of so many other important obligations. Casey shared with me his take on our arguments (which I was already pretty familiar with).

He does not argue.

He does not fight.

Especially with his wife.

He just waits for me to get my words together so we can make amends and our happy life as we like it can go on. He asked that next time I get my words together a little sooner so we could avoid three nights of misery. And, this made me laugh because of course he is completely right. Making amends, for us, is not about weighing out our faults and declaring a winner and a loser. It's about moving beyond and changing our relationship for the better.

How do you  handle conflict in your marriage or relationship with your signficant other? Are you doing your best to honor that person with your words and actions?

Proverbs 31:10-12 (NIV)

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

I didn't do so great handling our conflict recently, but by the end of our rough week, we came out better than before. And, I think as long as we're progressing and not regressing we're gonna make it just fine. Life can be hard sometimes. Relationships can be hard sometimes. How you choose to deal with the hard times is the key to a strong love or a whole lotta heartache.

And, because I "scout's honored", here are some photos of Gabe with his cousin Bryson who came to visit last weekend.

"Giddy-up, Horse-y."

Well, we can tell who the Smiths are.

Everybody else can manage to look at the camera and keep their eyes open.

Cousin love.

Awwww....