In His Steps: The Journey to Table for Six Begins

The journey here was long, came with many difficulties, unanswered questions, loss, heartache, and healing.

After the birth of Ellie, Casey and I were quite undecided on whether our family was complete or not. We spent time praying, we spent time talking pros and cons, we spent time thinking about how we would be "old" parents if we were to have a fourth, how expensive it would be on an already limited income. Nearly all this time we were in undecided territory we took precautions against having a fourth. Then, slowly, more frequently we became less careful. We weren't trying and hoping for a fourth, but we weren't preventing it from happening.

In October 2017, I had a weird cycle. Something felt off, but I avoided going to the doctor for lack of decent insurance and disposable income for something like going to the doctor just to be told it was nothing. Finally, on November 21 I made an appointment with my gynecologist. They decided on a sonogram to have a look at what was going on. I could tell the sono technician definitely found something, but wouldn't say what, because that isn't her job, it's the radiologist doctor's job. The sono was looked at and I was informed they had identified a mass in my uterus.

This kicked off a long day of lab drawing and a CT scan at the hospital to get a closer look. Then waiting for results to be read. A couple agonizing days later, the CT scan showed a much less ominous looking mass, which generally points to a benign mass, so as we waited on lab work to confirm the same, we were hopeful. The next week lab results came in and while sitting at the big table at Chick-Fil-A, having lunch with the Grace Point staff team, I received the devastating call from my gynecologist. Germ cell tumor. Cancer. My heart sunk and it was the most terrifying moment of my life to date. Because of the cancer and location of the mass I was referred to the KU Med cancer center in Kansas City.

I was sent to a renowned surgeon, Dr. Julia Chapman, and after her assessment she arrived at the same conclusion based on labs and a CT scan, most likely a germ cell tumor in my left ovary. Surgery was scheduled in record time because waiting meant increasing the risk of spreading cancer cells. They didn't want to biopsy the mass because it would risk spreading cancer cells outside of a contained location. It was Christmas time and there was so much uncertainty and fear surrounding the surgery. We didn't know if I would come out of surgery having just the mass removed, or having had a full hysterectomy. We cried over the idea of the abrupt end to our undecidedness about growing our family, but trusted God to be with us no matter what, accepting His will over ours. Our church family, our small group, and our families were incredibly supportive and I know their many prayers sustained us through that time. Casey and I both waffled between despair in fear and a peace beyond understanding from day to day.

On December 5th, we arrived at KU Med nervous, but ready to take on whatever lay ahead of us.

I was terrified of being put under. I had never been unconscious before in my life. My anesthesiologist promised she'd make me a good cocktail and I'd forget all about my worries. She wasn't wrong. I counted down in the OR room and woke up in a multi bed recovery site with a nurse watching my vitals. As soon as I came to enough to converse with her they let Casey come in to see me. After a kiss on the forehead he said the best words I could have heard that day, "It wasn't cancer!" Followed by, the worst words I've ever heard, "It was a baby, an ectopic pregnancy."

So. Many. Questions.

How could I not know I was pregnant? How could the doctors mistake a pregnancy for cancer? How much did they have to remove? Could I still have another child?

KU Med is a teaching hospital, so along with my surgeon there were many residents working my case as well. There was one working it with my surgeon from the very first appointment. When he came in to check on me he helped me with understanding how they could mistake this mass as a germ cell tumor. First he said, "In medical school, when we hear hooves, we're taught to see horses. You, you weren't a horse. You were a zebra." Many of the tools used to identify a germ cell tumor line up with an ectopic pregnancy. Because the length of time it took me to go in, the pregnancy had begun to calcify changing the look of the mass on the scans. The labs did point to pregnancy, but the scan obviously negated it, because there was no fetus to see. The same hormone levels that rise in pregnancy also rise in cancers of the ovary.

Dr. Chapman let me know she only had to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. My uterus and right side reproductive organs were left in tact and Dr. Chapman encouraged us to try for another sooner than later, after my recovery period, just because of the increased risks associated with being pregnant at my age.

That day marked the beginning of a strange place for me spiritually. On the one hand, I was incredibly grateful I didn't have to explain to my kids what cancer was and what that meant for mommy. On the other, I was heart broken. Why would my body conceive a child just for the pregnancy to fail? How was I to reconcile this place of gratitude, but also doubt over God's plan for me? It felt a very cruel place to be emotionally. A few months in I read something in a random Facebook thread where a mom who had experienced pregnancy loss retold something she learned in therapy that helped her. Her therapist told her about the power of "and". It is okay to be simultaneously grateful AND heart broken. You can be glad for the one, but upset over the other. It was like God gave me permission to just feel how I felt without also feeling the guilt of needing to be "more" grateful. This was very freeing for me. It helped me realize I wasn't doubting my faith or God, I just didn't understand, and I may never know why it happened this way, and I'm okay with not knowing. I grew closer to Jesus through this time, figuring out working through the grief and letting go of the fear of getting pregnant again and enduring another loss.

Casey and I returned to our undecidedness, but leaned more toward let's have a fourth. We encountered some obstacles and had basically given up on it happening naturally for us. I assumed the odds of conceiving on one ovary and tube, coupled with our ages, was just too great. We began to talk about what adoption could look like for our family, it's a conversation we've had since before biological children were ever even in the picture.

And, then...it happened.

It was three days after Christmas, I was barely late enough to take a pregnancy test and get a positive, but I did. I kept it to myself for a few days. I was cooking up a grand plan. The first person I told was my friend Ann Dunn, she's our Grace Point office manager. I did this knowing there would be some upset with me for not knowing first. Our Christmas staff and spouse party was coming up and I thought there would be no better way to tell my husband than through a white elephant gift exchange. My church family was a huge part of the walk I'd had the year before through the cancer scare and loss of the baby. I loved the idea of having them all present for this extremely joyful announcement. Also, maybe I'm a wee bit competitive and each year people try to out do each other with their creative gifts and I was certain nobody would ever top this one, so the way was obvious. Ann and her husband helped me craft a fool proof plan.

On the evening of the party I could hardly contain my excitement. I kept telling my brain, play it cool, play it cool. Hilariously, someone else rigged the exchange so someone else would get a certain gift, but because Ann was in on it all she worked it out perfectly. Casey drew the last number, which meant he could steal, or he could open a new gift. Ann purposely left the gift out of the selection and when we "realized" we were short a gift at the end she went and got it from a closet. She taped York peppermint patties to the outside of the bag to entice him. It was brilliant. He went for the bait.

I could hardly contain myself. He opens the bag to find an adorable plush Sooner football. The football unzips to reveal a baby bear and a small note. I told Ann ahead of time, don't be clever with the note, just say it as plainly as possible, so he understands right away.

The note said, "Your wife is pregnant." He reads the note and laughs, looks at me, and says, "Good one." I say, "No, really. I am." At that point jaws around the room begin dropping, Niki yells out at me, "You told Ann before me!" Everyone looks to me and I looked at my sweet, shocked husband, and he laughs and laughs. The kind of laugh you give when you really don't want to cry. I stunned him good, that's for sure. After the initial shock and congrats were all over I made them all promise to keep it under wraps until I was a little further along. I knew I could trust them and I knew they would pray for us, for our baby, and I took great comfort in that in those early days.

We enjoyed the rest of the party, and all the fun banter of the announcement and Casey's reaction then we gathered our things to go home. We walked to the car and I was no sooner in my seat than my husband was behind the wheel crying his eyes out. Remember, we both had arrived at the idea that a biological fourth just wasn't in the cards for us. That poor guy held it in for the rest of the party then just let the emotions rip once we were alone. They were tears of joy, incredulousness, and gratitude. He keeps the note in his wallet. I love him so much.

So began a nine month journey to our beautiful family of six.

We made the announcement to our family soon after my first doctor appointment and made the announcement of our Rainbow Baby to the world on St. Patrick's Day.

Minutes after we shared with the kids,

Ellie had to get her hands on that baby belly.

Every week that passed was celebrated as we came closer and closer to the due date. In April we found out the gender. Casey and I kept it to ourselves and then shared with family on Easter.

Traditionally, my Aunt Suzanne buys a pinata and stuffs it for the kids to break open after Easter dinner at her house. This year, I purchased the pinata and filled it with pink candy to reveal the gender. The kids were way more excited about the candy than the fact they'd be getting a sister. After their sugar fix though, the kids thoughts were as follows: Gabe was ecstatic because he guessed girl, and he turned out to be right, and being right is very important to him. Barrett was mad because he wanted the boys to win and a girl meant there would be a tie. Ellie was elated to finally get a sister!

My belly grew and grew in the next several months. I struggled through intense pain in my hips and basically wilted in any heat at all. Some days I would get so worn down I honestly believed something was wrong with my body, we're talking nearly pass out, couldn't walk more than three steps without needing a chair. There wasn't anything wrong at all. Turns out, I was just old and pregnant.